relaspe I FUCKIN HATE YOU

Ugh I relapsed into eating all over again I've gained a shit load. My stomach hurts so much cause of all the food. It feels stretched to it's limits and it's kiliin me the pain!! I hate this and all this pain. I hate the christmas time ! I"ma start my new fast tomorrow ! NO EATING for as long as I can go ! So my mom was bein such a complete bitch I decdie to spend my fuckin christmas break with her and she acts like nothing but a bitch I mean seriously it's a long ways from my friends and she treats me like shit !wow talk about fucked up maybe next year I just won't come down here next year!

So last night I had an amazing convo with this guy I really like ( me and Josh my fiance aren't doin so well ) well he told me he loved me and told me all these sweet things he's like " I'm not good and telling my emotions and all that stuff" he was like why do you love me Kayley I said " because i like you and stuff" lol I
was makin fun of him !  when I said I doubt you love me he said Kayley I love you  he never says my name unless he's serious about what he's sayin! He made my night. But what sucks is I live in Kansas he lives in Indiana ugh But I think this summer we're gonna meet half way some where and I'm so excited to see him ! He truely makes me smile !

Well I have to go to the doctors tomorrow. I have to get my thyroid looked at which means thier gonna draw blood OMG I'ma freak out and cry ! ugh flash backs from last wednesday getting my IV for my wisdom teeth. Well If I have  a problem there gonna have me put on medication which will make me loose alot of weight and now my hair will grow back it was falling out ! and I have to get my Birth control shot which I'm not even trippin over ! Oh tomorrow os gonna be crazy !

Saturday I'm finnaly going back home to my dads I'm so excited I miss my daddy I haven't seen him sense ;ast wednesday ! I miss him ! I"m tired of bein at my moms ! Oh and I finally got my new vehicle Which I'm so excited to get YAY !!! So I think when I get back home after my dad leaves again on his work trip i'ma get my eye brow pierced !!! I think it'll look good on me ! Yes? well I think so !!!

Damn My heart pouding right now I took my last two hydrocodon and I"m feelin pretty good ! I smoked a lil green today had a lil vodka with juice and a diet pepsi ! and a fruit snack pack yummy !

Recent as of now knews when I get home I"ma go see my babe I'm so excited I'ma spend my whole 5 days of vacation I have left with him YAY I haven't met him before so it'll be the first time and he tells me I'm gorgeous all the time which I love and he doesn't care about my weight he likes me for me. I said to him I realy hope you like me when you see me   he said he doesn't care about my body he loves me for me and it doesn't change anything God he means the world to me and I hope I never loose him. He's gone through so much with me and I can't loose him he understands everything I say and what I"m going through !

Anyways I'ma get off here dang my longest post lol anyways LOVE Kayley ♥

the drugs the drugs oh my the damn drugs

Why is it that I have to go towards drugs just to feel good Man I need some help?
 well no I don't want help I love my life the way I am drugs and alcohol and ANA and everything cause I"m awesome the way I am right? I don't care smoke a bowl relax and watch me as I destroy myself! I love TO FUCKIN PARTY TO GET HIGH ! And not know what the fuck is going on just so I feel better ! Wow it's incrediable right ! SO what it's just a lil pot and some pills with vodka beer yegemister  UV whiskey and some Yay ! That's the life right ! I have to be high every second of the day just to cope with the fact that my life fuckin sucks I party and look like I'm havin fun so people don't really know what happening! I do drugs yes I do drugs Oh well
Love Kayley ♥

Wisdom ugh

Wow today was a very interesting day I went and got my wisdom teeth removed that was crazy. I cried when they were starting an IV and I was like I need my dad !!! He held my hand through all the IV's and everything til I was asleep ! I love my daddy ! I woke up an hour later and went and got my prescription for hydro's ! Then I was off to my moms house for christmas break !!! It's been fun I love my mom too !!!!.

Full body High

Wow Full body highs are fuckin' amazing I feel so fantastic !!! I hate the addiction but I don't mind  whatever to feel good right? Well I don't care what people say call me a pill popper yes I abuse pills oh well sorry for tryin to feel better I also smoke gods plant mary jane !!! I don't fuckin care !!! Sue me !

THINSPO!!!

Unity Bracelet

Hey guys last night I made myself a awareness bracelet it's addoriable ! I love making them and I am willing to sell them for 6 dollars ! plus shipping comment on here or email me and I will give you the information on how to get yours Love Kayley ♥
email: Gangstak567@gmail.com

Stupid pills!

Ugh I've taken 3 hydros and a couple lortab today so I would feel better now I'm coming off of them and this fuckin sucks!!! I'm so tired and I've thrown up like 55million times today ugh this sucks but at least I feel better right ! ugh I'm high as a kite right now but I'm snuggling with my puppy she's so cute !! I can't wait to talk to my babe tonight I miss him so much he's the love of my life !
Love Kayley♥

Fucked up and feelin good!

Damn I feel pretty fuckin good lovin this feeling!!! So I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out on wednesday at 1 I'm freakin out but lovin the pills they got me on !!! I finally feel fuckin fantastic ! I waslike dad I think these pills are kickin in he's like wow Dope head ! hahaha He cracks me up! I have finals on monday and tuesday I'm so nervous ! I hope I pass! Then wednesday after I get my teeth pulled I'm going down to hutchinson to see my moms family I"m excited !

Oh I'm so neverous for today I have to get my wisdom teeth takin out soon I'm so freaking out!!!! But after I get it donethat means I wot have to eat for a couple days but after I can eat I just wont ima get my weight loss started off good. My dad made me eat so much today because he said I won't be able to eat much after I get them taken out !!! I'm so fuckin full that it hurts. Last night was really bad I was withdrawing bad to the point I wad scratching my hips so hard that they bled I felt horrible so I crawled up in a lil ball till I fell asleep thankfully I had my babe to talk to on the phone thank god I probably wouldn't be here talking to you guys !!! I love him so much he's incredible. He asked me to merry him I said yes of course cause he means the absolute world to me and I
Never wanna loose him ever. He's my world I love him !!! The new mrs. Crispin
Love kayley.

depressed momment

I don't what the hell just happen but I got instantly depressed, and alone I don't like bein alone but the guy I truely like alot  knows I like him but he lives so far from me and I hate it !!!! I talk to him like every second of everyday and I just wish he could be here with me then I'd be truely happy ! man I hate myself for liking him when i can't have him .... We talked about meeting up this summer and maybe we can I hope except when he leaves I don't know what I'll do I really just want a hug from him ! Like Oh my his smile I love it his cute face idk what it is but he's so addoriable and cute and I just I don't know but I want him with me at all seconds of the day , that's probably why we are always talking ! I don't know if he likes me like I like him but I hope he does !
♥ Kayley

December 14th

Okay so today has already started bad or good idk it's a lil mix between the two. My dad had to take me to school today cause my trucks all fucked up wow I feel like a freshman all over again. Okay so I also have my latte every morning. My ass hole dad wouldn't take me to go get one WTF ! I was early to class ugh so I brought my coffee cup I'll just get some from the lounge. Jeez so I'm thinkin bad morning, but good thing is I haven't eaten ! Go me ! I love the sound of the growling and empiteness ( I think I spelled that right ). School is really boring right now I'm in my online class whoop whoop. I hate these hour and half classes their so long and boring unless it's a fun class like crafts class. Which is right after lunch. I hate lunch the worst part of mayday ugh I always say okay kayley you got this. Think thin that's the best then next thing I'm in line to fat land. Oh makes me mad how I have no control sometimes. But I'm working on it an I've been doing so much better thank god !!! So more sucky news is that my freakin wisdom tooth is bothering on my bottoms both owwww they hurt so bad and my dad won't go get me some damn orejel or however it's spelled. Ugh this freaking sucks and it hurts and now I just got a head ache as we speak. Super fuckin good day!!!!
Love Kayley

December 13th

Hey guy's it's been a couple days since I've been on sorry !!! It was a really crazy weekend ! Okay so I"m doind something new in my "diet" I'm only eating 300 to 400 calories a day ! Sounds good to me ! I've only had my latte which is 60 cal
My apple 70 cal
and another latte 60 cal it's been a pretty good day so far,
Except my fuckin dad sitting here farting which is PISSING ME THE FUCK OFFF! cause it fuckin smells god he pisses me off and I hate the shit he does omg !

December 8th

Hey hey guy's, well my day was better today ! I didn't eat thank god ! I lost another pound woo even closer ! Today was a generally a super good day ! except for this stupid nitchy annoying lil kid who was annoying as hell ! But last night this kid told me that if I lost more weight I would be so much hotter !!! Wow ass hole right ? i cried that's how bad he made me feel so I called Josh LOVE OF MY LIFE ! and told him about it he was furriated ! the guy who called me fat got yelled at by so many people that he never said a word to me today and didn't even make eye contact ! made me feel better but I still feel like a cow ! like I step on the scaled I swear it will break ! Crack ! err you're too fat ! I would cry, I wanna see my bones not these nasty curves gross no one likes that ! I wanna be a size 2 ! that would be awesome I'd be so tiny and beautiful! Ugh I'll write more later BYE Kayley ♥

December 7th again

I felt the need to write again, it kinda sucks you know when you have to sit here and suck up the pain, I swear my stomachs growling so loud that i can wake the dead ! lol ! theres nothing that will work for the cramps except food which I can't do that or I'll binge to high heaven! You guys might think this is gross but I chew and spit, it helps the craving ! except I feel bad cause I waste food =( No one knows I have this problem none of my friends my family, except the people who have the same problem as I do, I'm glad I have them cause they help me and push me to my limits ! People who read this probably think I'm crazy but I don't care it's my problem, I hate my body I'm over weight and no one likes the fat chick ! They love the skinny beautiful girls ! When do you ever see a fat woman get that super amazing hot guy? VERY RARELY I mean I was dating an extreamly sexy guy but it didn't work out see.... I bet if I was smaller I'd still be with him.... plus I was just dumped idk why but he told me this I prefer you a little thiner AND he KNEW I had an eating disorder.... Fucked up huh! yeah but he never saw anything wrong with sayin that to me Yet he doesn't know I went home and cried ! But he dumped me and left for kentucky the next day, wow makes me feel awesome. I just wanna find that guy who will make me incrediably happy no matter what happens and for him to know that I have a ED anyways I'll see you guys later Love Kayley♥

December 7th

Ugh today was going super ! I hadn't eaten all day ! til I got to lunch and ate soooo much ! it was horriable my stomach was hurting soooo bad !! I got it all out though thank god ! I lost 1 lb YAY ! less than I weighed yesterday ! But I think what I'ma have for dinner is water sounds yummy huh ! I think soo rather have an empty thin stomach than a fat full one !!!

December 6th

This is my first blog I've ever written I just thought it would be good for me to write about how I feel and what I deal with rather than keep it all in ! I'm 16 years old and I've been dealing with an eating disorder since I was 12. Off and on! I weigh 182 lbs I've gained alot of weight after I had my surgery from not being able to walk. I wanna be thin again cause who likes a fat girl ! I'll write in tomorrow